| winter again |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|12:53 am] |
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more of the cold wind, snow, and crappy days. i hate this shit |
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| i was born in a town where the rivers run free |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|05:08 am] |
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i got an irish name and an injury................ a lesson and, a curse cast down on me. so many have the blues like me. it was a cold wind blowing on the night i left...... it's been a long week , i got a slow leak in my right tire. i'm down to my last week.............. run a line with the rail road track, leave everybody sleeping in this sleep town by morning i'll be a run away........and never loog back, pedal to the medal. with every state line i find another part of me........ i'm going to pack my bags and never look back |
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| dui, few times in jail, substance abuse, sobriety, and it's only been a little over a year |
[Aug. 12th, 2009|06:08 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the gaslight anthem | ] |
and what a long and frustrating one it's been too. lol god i never thought that i could have ever screwed up my life this much in such a short time. lol i always seemed to have shit under control, but looking back i could see every step off the road i was taking. it all started with crashing that car, it's funny how much you feel like you can get away with when you cheat death like i did that night, not to mention cheating the law. the law caught up with me and i got that dui i deserved that night, and a few more times in jail, death almost got me a few nights. must still have a reason to be here though. i managed to drown my thoughts and feeling in a sea of booze, and fight them back under the water with drugs, untill it all ended in a hell storm of a night that i'm still blacking out of my mind right now. i'm far from being grant again, but i'm getting closer every day. between working out and monotonus acts of cleaning everyday i'm managing to deal, the black outs are becoming less and less frequent. when i first came here i wasn't sure how it'd end up, but i kinda had a feeling it'd be my end. "everyone goes home to die" is a quote i heard on the drive up here that has stuck in my head everyday. but it hasn't been all bad, and drugs. have met some amazing friends who have really helped me through a lot. deffinatly wouldn't be working on getting sober if it wasn't for them telling me i had the problems i do and helping me with them. had a few great walks with the head phones, and many great morning after talks at the coffee shop at 5am. got to know my family a bid more again. had some amazing sing alongs at the bar i frequent. many many many times i've fallen off my bar stool laughing my ass off. lost a few pounds, and i'm working otu everyday. never in a million years would i have though i'd be working out with the goal of joining the armed forces though. lol funny how things change like that. gotten a few great tattoos, lost the plugs. gained some wisdom. take that back a lot of wisdom. learned to be outgoing, hell i meet a new person everyday now it seems. and now i'm just looking forward to what the future has instore again. |
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| is this finally the change i needed |
[Jul. 20th, 2009|01:46 pm] |
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it's wierd to say this after so much time of just getting fucked up so often but i have no desire to do that anymore. i'd rather just be the sober one watching everybody get fucked up. i'm content with just being sober, a whiskey here and there and even then i'm still not even drinking enough to get a buzz. it's a pretty cool think to me |
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| the joys of being a wanted man |
[May. 13th, 2009|01:46 am] |
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are few and far between. when i moved here a year ago i kind of saw it coming, but never belived, i'd be wanted by the law. but what can ya do? i supose if i hadn't been in my fuck it all mind set for so long this wouldn't have happened, but"fuck it". it's whatever. it's kind of exciting anyway. keeps me on my toes at least. but thats what bad decisions and whiskey can cause. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2008|06:33 pm] |
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is everything new in my life right now just covering up the way i was before or it helping me get anybetter |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2008|04:15 am] |
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a life where your never loved as anything more than a friend is a pretty sad one. but nobody will ever hear me admit that. nice guys finish last is what i've always heard. it's true, what can i say. i guess i should just be an asshole all the time, but i can't. it's so awssume to be the nice guy. always the friend, always the one that everybody can count on to help them. it's so awsume to everbody other than the guy just gets walked on. FUCK A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT IN THIS WORLD! ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT PROVE THEY ARE THERE FOR ME ARE GOIN TO HAVE ME THERE FOR THEM. EVERBODY ELSE......piss off. i hate you all |
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| mixed |
[May. 21st, 2008|03:42 pm] |
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i have a big change ahead of me in my life very soon. i'm scared to leave, but excited to get a newish start to life. it's kind of crazy. i just need to keep my head strong though, i'm on the verge of complete emotional break down. over the fact that i'll be leaving all the people i've know for the past 7 years or so... but at the same time i look back and see that there are really only 3 that i'm goin to miss. but that is what vacation is for. i'll return to here sometime. once i know who i am. probably before that. lol that seems like it's a never ending road. over the past 2 years i have figured out what my greatest fear is though. and now i'm looking it right in the eyes. and i'm not as weak in front of it anymore. it still saddens me, but i'm not as weak. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2008|09:33 pm] |
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there was just something about today that put everything in order for me.. it's been so long since i have seen so much beauty through sober eyes. standing in the sunshine and wind ontop of that hill next to the pond with the good ole` boys fishing was just somthing else. lol. it should have been a scene from a movie. it was just mind blowing........... i felt so at one with the world, it gave me a feeling that no matter what directions my life goes into if i keep that mindset i had today. it'll all be alright |
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| on the inside of an unstable mind |
[Mar. 30th, 2008|04:13 am] |
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i'm so confused with everything right now, that keeping a clear head seems like it's just too much work. i think there is only one person who could even slightly understand what i'm goin through. but our talks seem few and far between now........ and i geuss in the end i dug my own grave in that amazing friendship. ........ so i guess i jus thave to live with it...... i'm just goin to have to keep myself strong, and keep my head up as much as possible, and keep my head clear. so i can make it back from the edge of this cliff that i've wanted to jump off of for so many months now.......i just wish i could give myself enough of a reason to step away from these ledges, and find a new reason to see each coming day........... i wish i could become the old me again, but that seems so distant from that mind state now that i don't knwo if i could follow that trail back to it........... i don't even remember what i stood for those days anymore, but it was more that i do today........i live for wat seem like hollow reasons today.... and i don't want to live each day on dead hopes, that harder than living for nothing to me........ i base each day on hope of what seem like dead reasons now. hopeless wishes....... wishes don't come true to me any more, so i live lies everyday just to keep myself going. i'm driven by false hope and pipe dreams............. thats what i live for now................... false hopes and pipe dreams. i'm the hollow one...... empty wasteland soul, no meaning in my life. what i lived for i drove away................... and i live with that pain every day.......... everyday |
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| fighting destiny |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|02:22 am] |
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i give up. on everything. theres no point in trying when nothing will ever change. you come into this world alone, and you die alone. why should i expect the time n between to be any different. empty |
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| that feeling in the pit of your stomach that won't go away |
[Feb. 11th, 2008|03:01 am] |
i'm scared i might have to leave, not because i want to anymore, but because i might have to. i've been tryign so hard to find a place to live, but everything i find i can't afford. or it's gone already. my life is such a mess right now. i'm so unorganized, and jumpy inside my head. i try to hide it because i don't knwo if anybody could understand me anymore. nothign makes sence to me in my life now. or i'm just too confused to see it. i'm so stressed out that when i'm not drunk, i'm a manic wreck of emotions, thats is boarderline suicidal. ready to jump if i can't manage to calm myself down some how. my sleeping pattern is so fucked up that i wonder sometimes if that might be part of the haze of confusion that i'm in. i seem to be loosing myself. often i look into the mirror and don't reconize what i see. i'm at a new level of paranoia, other than sam i don't know who to trust anymore. everyone is out to get me is the way it seems in my head but i know that can't really be true.
life is a messy ordeal......... maybe at some point these days will pass. thats what i hope for, thats what i try for. |
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| wow |
[Jan. 25th, 2008|01:40 am] |
i feel noyhing. i'm empty. no motivetion, just whatever i guess. i don't know, i fel nothing but at the same time i;m in the most pain ive ever been in.........
fuck |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 13th, 2008|04:56 pm] |
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i'm so loanly that it physically hurts now |
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| that old feeling again. |
[Jan. 6th, 2008|04:39 am] |
i just gauged my ears. it's amazing how something so simple can make me feel so much better. thing are goin to turn around for me, things are changing as i type this. i feel that smile in my eyes again. i feel alive, renewed, like old grant again. it's amazing what a few days and some smalls things can do for you. i'm loving it. big breath in big breath out. and everything has changed. it's just that simple. i can sum this up so easily. how i feel inside right now...................................
:) yay! |
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| am i losing my mind |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|03:42 am] |
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sometimes i feel like it sometimes i feel like i'm getting better with it. is this normal. do other people have this happen. am i really not goin through this alone |
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| i'm not sure what the subject or this one should even be really...... |
[Dec. 28th, 2007|04:20 am] |
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hiding the loanlyness, it's a hard thing to do.not really that "hard" to do. really just hard to deal with doing. but i guess i'm goin to have to learn how to, before it gets to be a problem that i can't control at all. because these drinks only help for so long. then what? i just start having a few more, and before i know it i'm drinking a bottle a night instead of every 2 or 3 days. but what can i do to not have this feeling |
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| 2007 in a nut shell |
[Dec. 26th, 2007|04:38 am] |
2007 was by far the most pushig year of my life, its not all a bad thing though. i realaze how strong i can e,and how low things can get at times. i lost a few friends, gained a few. lost my love but gained the bes friend i've ever had. i ws don and out, and still am more than i'd like to be. i got out of a completely dead end job. i moved out on my own. i lost hope, i gave up. i fought to get back on my feet. i grew stronger, smarter, braver. i partyed. i started doing things, i quit doing things. i had fun and i didn't. i laughed, i cryed. i learned. i realized just how much it means to be alive, and how much i should love the people in my life.
heres to 2008, my friends, and whats to come. |
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